


there's no remedy for memory

by thespace_inmyhead



Category: Legacies (TV 2018)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Character Death, Codependency, F/F, Grief/Mourning, Healing, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-13
Updated: 2020-11-13
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:21:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 18,565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25232296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thespace_inmyhead/pseuds/thespace_inmyhead
Summary: Josie doesn't know much about Hope Mikaleson, just that she's gorgeous, aloof and has suffered the loss of her parents. When Josie's best friend Landon falls in love with Hope, the two girls begin a budding friendship.This tentative friendship is put to the test when Landon Kirby is tragically killed one night, and Josie must stop Hope from drowning in her grief altogether.-'If I can stop one heart from breaking,I shall not live in vain;If I can ease one life the aching,Or cool one pain,Or help one fainting robinUnto his nest again,I shall not live in vain.'E.D.
Relationships: Hope Mikaelson/Josie Saltzman
Comments: 56
Kudos: 335





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hiii. So. This is a new story I am writing alongside 'The Art of Losing', but it is very different– an AU for starters.
> 
> I do want to give a general set of trigger warnings: death, suicidal thoughts, abuse
> 
> If any others crop up I will warn you of them.
> 
> This is a story that explores grief and loss, but also the immense power love has in alleviating such things.

Landon meets Hope when he’s paired with her to do an extra credit assignment for AP biology. She’s from another class, part of the handful of students either looking to get ahead, or forced to make up for poor test results in their finals. 

It’s May, a few weeks before the end of their Junior year and the beginning of summer. The air is clammy, and Josie is fanning herself with her hand while she waits for Landon. They always walk home together but today he’s fifteen minutes late and she’s getting impatient.

_where r uuuu_

She huffs when she sees that her text hasn’t even been read. She just wants to get home and have a cold glass of water. The sun always makes her stroppy. 

She’s seconds away from abandoning her friend when he comes darting around the corner, panting slightly. 

“Hey, Joey–” He crouches with his hands on his knees and she smirks at his lack of athleticism. “Sorry I’m late.”

She can tell something’s changed in him the moment he looks up. His green-grey eyes are brighter, more alive than she’s ever seen them and there’s an energy about him, a vibration of sorts: he can’t seem to keep still.

“Where were you?” She asks. 

He smiles like he’s keeping the best secret in the world. “With this girl.” 

“Oh?”

They begin to walk, the sun pounding the tops of their heads. “My partner for bio extra credit.”

“And I’m guessing you’re into her?” 

She expects him to deflect or get embarrassed, but when she glances at him he’s just grinning. “ _Beyond_ into her.”  
  


“Wow. She must be something special.” Josie can’t help but feel a little sting of jealousy. Things between Landon and her aren’t romantic, but since they met back in October _she’s_ been his favourite girl. She’s not sure how to feel about that changing.

“She’s special alright. I hardly know her, obviously, but I just feel like I need to, you know?”

“Well don’t go too full on, you’ll scare her away.” She teases.

Landon laughs, a spring in his step as he dances his way in front of her, walking backwards. 

“Something tells me this girl _needs_ full on.”

Josie watches him, practically sparkling in the sun, and wonders if she’ll ever make someone dance like that.

  
  


/ /

  
  


The group doesn’t meet Hope at first. Landon says she’s not much of a people person, and that meeting too many of them at once will be too much for her. 

“Is she autistic?” Lizzie asks when he says this at lunch.

“ _Lizzie_.” Josie elbows her in the side. “That’s offensive.”

“What? I meant it seriously!”

“No, no.” Landon says. “She’s nothing like that, just...a loner I guess. But like, genuinely. She has no friends.”

“No friends?” Josie pouts in sympathy. “That’s awful.” 

“It’s by choice. She kind of hates most people.” 

“Wait, her name’s Hope right?” MG asks, looking contemplative. Landon nods. “Hope Mikaelson?”

“Uh, yeah. You know her?” Landon asks, looking confused when everyone around the table shares looks of realisation. 

“Everyone knows about Hope.” Josie answers sadly. “Both her parents died in a car crash at the end of Freshman year. It was...tragic. All over the news.” 

Landon drops his sandwich in shock. He and his foster brother Raf only came to Mystic High this year, so he missed out on all of that. “Fuck. That’s...fuck.”

“Yeah.” Josie sighs. “From what I know from, uh, Penelope,” Lizzie scoffs when she says her ex’s name. “She wasn’t ever that big on friends, but she had a couple, Pen included. When her parents died, she completely pushed her, and everyone else, away.”

“She didn’t tell me any of this.” Landon murmurs. 

“Well, duh.” Lizzie says. “You’ve been on what, two dates? She’s not going to spill her entire sob story. Bit of a mood kill.”  
  


“Three.” Landon corrects. “Still, it explains a lot.”

/ /

It’s two weeks into summer break when Landon deems it finally time for Hope to meet everyone. She’d kept her distance from him at school, apparently not one for public displays of affection, but nevertheless, he’d persevered, and now, after only knowing each other for six weeks, she was his girlfriend.

That little fact is still shocking to Josie. “I can’t believe you have a girlfriend!” She says for the third time one day when they’re reading in her garden.

Landon huffs, looking up from his book. “It’s getting offensive, Jo.”

“Sorry.”

The small gathering happens at the twins’ house. Their dad, being the Chief of Police, is working late as usual, so they’re having drinks around a small fire in their garden.

“She’s coming in her own car,” Landon tells them. “So she has the option to leave at any time.”

Lizzie snorts. “Charming.”  
  


Josie can tell Landon is nervous as he hops from foot to foot, practically crushing the can of beer in his hand. She knows how badly he wants this to go well and decides in that moment that she’ll do anything to make it easier.

“I still can’t believe your dad is a cop, and we’re here drinking in his backyard.” Raf chuckles, shaking his head.

Lizzie shrugs. “He’s oblivious.” Then, her tone a little more anxious. “Just make sure you collect up all the beer cans before you leave.” 

“She’s here!” Landon exclaims after checking his phone. “I’m gonna go get her.”  
  


They all glance at each other, mutually wondering what this girl will be like. 

Hope trails Landon out into the garden, looking like she’d rather be anywhere but there. “Everyone, this is Hope. Hope this is Josie, Lizzie, MG, Kaleb and well, you know Raf.” He points to each of them, grinning. Rafael gives Hope a wink in greeting.

Josie only half hears Landon’s introductions. Her mind had blanked the moment she looked at Hope because _god_ she’s attractive. Dressed in dark shorts and a grey tank top, with unnervingly blue eyes and glossy hair, she makes Josie feel absurdly plain from the get go. All she can think about is that her hair hasn’t been washed in a couple of days, that her cheeks are flushed from sunburn and the striped crop-top she’s wearing has a hole in it from when she got caught on a bramble. 

But she’d made a promise to Landon that she intends to keep, even if it was a silent one. She half trips forward. “Hey! It’s really good to meet you. Landon hasn’t stopped talking about you for weeks, I was beginning to think he’d made you up.” 

Landon blushes, sending her a death glare. Hope, who is already shrinking away from all the people around her, looks at her with guarded eyes. 

“Unfortunately, I am very much real.”

She delivers the words flatly. There’s a stilted pause.

Josie chuckles a little awkwardly. “Well, lucky for him. Otherwise I’d have had him committed to the loony bin myself.”  
  


Thankfully, everyone gets back to chatting and drinking soon after that. Hope stands stiffly, Landon’s arm around her waist. Josie is utterly bemused– how are these two together? They don’t seem to match at all. In fact, Hope looks sort of like she wants to die.

It takes ten minutes, and Landon going to play beer pong at their table tennis table, for Hope to disappear off inside, mumbling something about going to the bathroom.

Josie waits five minutes but she still doesn’t return. Unsurprisingly, Landon doesn’t seem to notice– he may be a sweetheart but he’s still a seventeen-year-old boy – utterly oblivious.

So, Josie seeks Hope out herself.

/ /

Hope wants to leave but it’s only been twenty minutes. Even she knows that’s way too short a time. So, she stands in the kitchen of this house she doesn’t know, desperately trying to think of an excuse to go early.

“Hey, there you are!”

It’s the skinny brunette who’s peering awkwardly around the corner, fingers curled at the frame. 

Hope doesn’t say anything, hoping her silence sends the message. 

“Did you need help finding the bathroom?” Hope’s eyes flick defensively to stare at her. The question sounds like it should be passive aggressive, but when she looks at the girl, her eyes are wide and innocent. She’s genuinely asking.

“No, thank you.”

“Oh.” She still doesn’t leave. Hope stares hard at the phone in her hand. “Can I– can I get you a drink or something?”  
  


Hope sighs. “I can’t drink, I’m driving.”

“Right.” The girl bobs her head up and down in a nod. “A coke then, or water?” 

“Um...yeah, sure.” The girl’s nervous energy is too much for Hope, so she agrees just so she’ll stop staring at her. “Water, please.”

The girl hops forward, clearly happy to help. Hope wonders just how many people take advantage of that. 

She watches as the brunette fills a glass with water, before heading over to the fridge to press a button. Nothing happens. She presses it again. Still nothing. Then she presses it hard, her finger going white, and holds it down. About ten ice cubes come shooting out in rapid succession, some landing in the glass and the rest scattering across the kitchen floor.

“Shoot!” The girl exclaims, jumping back in shock and sloshing the water over herself. “Ah, fuck.” She turns to look at Hope guiltily, holding out the glass. “Sorry, I’m a clutz.”  
  


Hope feels the tiniest of smiles play at her mouth, but otherwise keeps her expression schooled. “Thank you.”

The girl nods, currently in the process of kicking all the ice cubes under the fridge.

Hope sips her water. “Jo, is it?” This is the girl Landon talks about the most.

She looks up, blowing a strand of her bangs out of her eye as she smiles shyly. “Yeah, Jo, Josie, Jose. Landon sometimes calls me Joey. Whatever takes your fancy.” Her voice is still a little pitched with nerves as she picks up a tea-towel to dab at her shirt with.  
  


“So that other girl out there, she’s your sister?” Hope didn’t like her at all, finding her brash and calculating, even after only knowing her ten minutes. 

Josie nods. “Yeah, my twin. Lizzie.” 

Hope raises an eyebrow. “You don’t look anything alike.”

“Really? Well we are fraternal, obviously.” She gives up with the towel, throwing it onto the counter. 

“She’s all sharp lines whereas you’re soft curves.” Hope is only making a basic observation, but Josie’s face flushes a deep red for some reason. 

“Oh, uh,” She stutters and Hope narrows her eyes, watching her flounder. She couldn’t imagine ever wearing her emotions so obviously. Josie finally gains some composure, smiling like she’s just discovered something great. “You’re a people watcher! Me too.”

Hope doesn’t like the idea that this girl suddenly thinks they have something in common. “No, it was just obvious.” She says shortly, and Josie’s smile drops.

There’s a silence between them for a minute as Hope finishes her water and Josie plays nervously with her t-shirt. She hopes that the other girl will leave now, but gets no such luck. “So, you and Landon? How did that happen?”

Apparently now it’s time for girl talk. “I presume he’s already told you that.”  
  


“Well, he told me the Landon version. Which is that he charmed you until you couldn’t deny his requests for a date any longer. But now that I’ve met you, I, uh, can’t really see you being charmed?” Josie says it like she’s scared it might offend her.

Hope stares at her glass, thinking Josie’s words over. Why _did_ she give Landon the time of day? She was usually razor sharp and straight to the point when any boys asked her out. 

“He’s everything I’m not.” She says brusquely, not wanting Josie to think this is some bonding session. “My complete opposite. It’s nice to look at someone and not be reminded of yourself.”

Josie seems taken aback by that response, probably expecting something a little more romantic than extreme self-hatred.

“Well,” She starts hesitantly. “I’m by no means an expert on love– trust me– but I always thought that the other person kinda takes parts of you on, and vice-versa. So eventually, when you look at them, you can’t help but see yourself.” Hope watches as this strange girl’s eyes glaze over momentarily, perhaps thinking of someone, or maybe just imagining the possibility. Then she snaps out of it, glancing at Hope self-consciously. 

Hope straightens her spine. “Who said anything about love?”

Josie looks down bashfully. “Right sorry, I’ve had few drinks. Ignore me.”

Hope shrugs, still a little unnerved by how earnest this girl is. “Don’t worry about it.”

“You should come outside though,” Josie says. “I know Landon would really love it if you stayed.” 

Hope clenches her teeth, annoyed that it was so obvious she wanted to leave. But then she thinks about Landon, the first person who _really_ tried to get to know her in god knows how long.

“Fine.”

Josie gives a childish little clap, waiting for Hope to join her side before they head out into the backyard.

/ /

Landon drags Hope to several more of their events over the second half of June, and each time, Hope stays a little longer.

The first one she comes to is a movie night at Landon’s. Josie doesn’t even know she’s coming so gets a right shock when she’s exiting the bathroom and smacks right into her. 

“Oh, sorry!” She yelps, grabbing her victim by the shoulders apologetically. She retracts her hands quickly when she sees who it is.

“Hope! Hi.”  
  


“Hi.” Hope doesn't smile, but she doesn’t look hostile either. 

“I, uh, didn’t know you were coming.” Yet again, Josie feels inadequately dressed in her sweatpants and hoodie. Not that one should dress up for a movie night, but Hope just always looks _better_ than her. She’s only wearing jeans and a slouchy cardigan, but somehow Josie still feels flushed around her. She figures it’s less the clothes and more just _Hope_.

“Last minute decision.” Hope replies, cutting through her rambling thoughts.

“I love those! They keep life interesting.” God, why is she such a loser? Hope seems to agree with her, choosing just to raise an eyebrow in response.

“Sorry, I’ll let you pee.” Josie dashes back to the lounge, flopping down on the sofa. “Landon! You didn’t tell us Hope was coming.” She accuses. 

Landon pauses, hand full of popcorn. “Did you need a forewarning?” 

“No, but still.” She says petulantly. Landon throws a piece of popcorn at her face. 

“Sorry, I’ll get her to write you a letter next time.” He teases and she huffs, lobbing it back.

There isn’t room on the couch for everyone, but Josie is quick to volunteer her usual space next to Landon for Hope.

“Where are you going to sit?” Hope says doubtfully. 

“Um…” 

“You can sit on my lap, babe.” Raf grins, patting his jeans. 

“Oh, are you two?” Hope gestures between them.

“No!” Josie quickly puts that suggestion to rest. “He’s just a creep.” She sticks her tongue out at Raf and grabs a pillow. “I’ll sit on the floor.”  
  


She drops it onto the carpet in front of Lizzie, and leans back against her sister’s legs.

Hope seems a little uncomfortable with this arrangement, and Josie can feel her glance her way a few times throughout the first ten minutes of _Shutter Island_. Eventually though, she relaxes, resting her head against Landon’s shoulder. 

It’s when Landon whispers something into Hope’s ear that Josie catches the first proper smile she’s ever seen the girl give someone. It’s startling, like the sudden splitting of a heavy cloud by sunlight. Only then does she realise that Landon has something on Hope, some secret way of getting through to her that none of them know.

She doesn’t think about why this matters to her.

/ /

Josie is pretty sure no else is actually paying attention to the film, too busy eating snacks and laughing as Lizzie drools over Leonardo DiCaprio. It’s the way these movie nights always go.

(Unless it’s fantasy– then MG, Landon and Lizzie shush everyone who dares make a sound.)

Josie gets chills from the ending of the movie: ‘ _Which would be worse? To live as a monster, or to die as a good man?’_ “Oblivion is peace from the mind.” She murmurs thoughtfully, memorising the movie quote so she can write it down in her journal later. 

“And reality is merciless.” Hope responds. Josie turns her head in surprise, catching Hope’s eyes, steady and overcast in the low lit room. 

Something tells Josie that reality hasn’t been too kind on Hope.

/ /

At the end of the evening, when Hope has just headed out to her car, Josie finds her cardigan left on the sofa. She runs it out to her quickly before the girl can drive away. 

When she comes back inside, blushing slightly from the small smile that Hope flashed her, Lizzie is watching her with her arms crossed. The others are in the kitchen. 

“You totally have a crush on emo girl.” 

“What?” She says incredulously. “I really don’t.” 

“I know you, Josie, and I can see your obsession growing like a tumour.”

Josie pulls a face. “Nice image.” 

“You’re gonna get hurt, Josie. She’s with Landon. And she hardly notices your existence.”

Ouch. Josie really didn’t need _that_ reminder. “Would you shut up? I don’t have a crush on Hope. Now can we go please?”

Lizzie gives her these really annoying, patronising looks the whole way home. She studiously ignores them all. 

She does _not_ have a crush on a girl who barely gives her the time of day.

/ /

“I’m just not big on swimming.” Hope murmurs, glancing out the car window as Landon drives them to MG’s house. She can practically see the heat rising off the tarmac.

“Yeah but, MG is loaded, he has a pool! We’d be stupid not to take advantage of that.” Landon replies, tapping his fingers against the steering wheel in time with the music coming from his scratchy radio.

“I’m not stopping you from taking advantage.” 

He glances at her, sighing. “You’re my girlfriend, Hope. I’m happier when you’re there.”

His words light something warm and tentatively happy in her stomach. It’s the way he just _says_ these kinds of things that still catches her off guard. So uninhibited, so unbothered by being vulnerable or openly loving. 

“They don’t even like me.” She deflects.

“That’s not true.” He protests. “But you _could_ make a little more effort to talk to them.” 

She sighs, feeling strangely drained. She’s participated in more social interaction in the last three weeks than she has in two years. “I don’t relate to any of them. MG’s optimism is exhausting. Lizzie clearly dislikes me and the feeling is mutual. I tried to have a conversation with Kaleb once and we couldn’t find a single thing in common. And Rafael…tries too hard. It’s weird.”  
  


“Yeah I think he may fancy you.” 

She jerks her head around to look at him. “Really?”

“I caught him scrolling through your instagram photos. He was looking at them really intently.”

That makes her feel even more uncomfortable than she already does. 

“What about Josie?” Landon asks, quickly redirecting the conversation. 

Hope had purposefully not included Josie. “I talk to her.” She defends.

Landon looks at her, chuckling slightly. “You have maybe one conversation with her when we hang out–”

“Exactly, we talk.”

“–and it’s always Josie that starts it.” They pull into MG’s driveway. “She likes you, you know? You should give her a chance.”  
  


That surprises Hope. She always thought Josie was just being polite. “I have been giving her a chance. That’s why I talk to her.”

Landon stares at her for a second before bursting out laughing. “What?” Hope asks touchily. “ _What?_ ”

“Nothing.” Landon grins. “You’re just really something.” He pulls her in for a kiss.

  
  


/ /

Half the group are sprawled out on sunbeds around the pool when Hope and Landon come in through the back. Rafael, MG and a new boy that Hope doesn’t recognise are in the pool, hitting a beach ball back and forth. 

“Oh great,” Hope thinks she hears Lizzie murmur to Josie. “ _She’s_ here.”

“Hope!” Rafael calls out when he sees her. “Catch!” He smacks the ball hard, sending it flying her way. Landon plucks it out of the air before it can hit her in the face and Hope stares stonily at Rafael. 

“Terrible shot, man.” Landon says, throwing it at his head. Rafael ducks under the water.

“Hey!” Josie is approaching the pair eagerly, smiling shyly. Not for the first time Hope thinks she looks so...breakable. Like a gust of wind could shatter her. Dressed in a delicate white bikini that exposes most of her slim body, she’s all long limbs and prominent collarbones. 

“Hey Joey.” Hope doesn’t miss the quick once over that Landon gives Josie’s body. 

“Hi.” Remembering Landon’s words, Hope gives her a smile. “I like your swimsuit.”

Josie’s face blooms in pink. Hope can’t believe how easily she blushes. “Thank you.” She says, pushing up the straw sunhat she’s wearing that keeps slipping over her eyes. 

Landon is already stripping off the t-shirt he’s wearing. He takes a running leap into the pool, splashing Hope and Josie. “Hey!” Josie whines, going over to the poolside to kick water in Landon’s face when he emerges. Hope figures she should probably strip down too before her clothes get any wetter.

She pulls off her shirt and slips her jean shorts down over her hips, revealing her black bikini. 

Josie turns back around, still giggling at something Landon said, and her eyes widen. “Oh–uh, you look–” She visibly swallows and Hope isn’t sure whether to feel self conscious or flattered. “–I mean, that bikini…” Josie takes a step back as if the bikini is genuinely intimidating her. “It’s really, it’s nice–” She takes another step and suddenly she’s wobbling, arms flailing as she falls backwards into the water.

“Oh!” Hope takes a few rapid steps forward to the edge of the pool. The boys are laughing uproariously. 

Josie’s head pops up, dark hair plastered to her face. She pushes it back, looking up at Hope with clear embarrassment in her eyes. “It’s a cute bikini.” She finishes weakly.

Her sunhat bobs across the water.

“Thanks.” Hope smirks.

/ /

The new boy’s name is Jed, and he’s pretty handsy with Josie.

In fact, there seems to be some sort of competition going on between Rafael and Jed for Josie’s attention.

Landon and Hope have pushed their sunbeds together, and Landon is applying suncream to her back as she watches the boys take it in turns to see who can throw Josie higher in the air. She screams as she goes up, before landing back in the water with a minimal splash. 

“Jed and Raf both want to go for quarterback next year.” Landon explains. “So there’s a bit of tension there...and as for Josie…” He shrugs. “She’s the only single girl in the group, she’s cute, what more is there to say?”  
  


Josie is panting now, looking slightly drowned from being submerged so many times. Raf scoops her up and Jed tackles him from behind, causing him to accidentally dunk Josie again. She comes back up for air, choking slightly on the water.

Hope frowns. “They should be more careful with her.” 

Landon pauses his motions, craning his head forward to catch her eye. “Is that _worry_ I hear? For one of my friends?”  
  


She shrugs stiffly. “The only bearable one. Plus, she’s so innocent, hating her would be like hating a child.”  
  


Landon chuckles. “Not as innocent as you may think.”

“What do you mean?”  
  


“Well,” He pauses. “She had a full on girlfriend until a couple of months ago.”

A girlfriend. That explains a few things. “Josie’s gay?” 

“Uh, no. Bi. Or Pan I think is her official label. Love without limits and all that. It’s very Josie.”  
  


Hope opens her mouth to further question him, but stops, her attention drawn back to the pool. 

“My god I’m tired.” Josie is saying breathily, starting to swim to the side of the pool. “Who knew being tossed around would exert so much energy? I wasn’t even doing the work.” 

“I guess that means I won then?” Rafael says smugly to Jed. “Since I threw her the highest just now.”

Jed frowns. “Well, no. I didn’t even get to counter you. And you went first.” He cracks his knuckles, glancing at Josie who’s struggling to pull herself out of the pool. With just a few strokes of his long arms, he’s right behind her, pulling her back into the water.

“Wait– no–” Josie protests.

“Just once more Josie? I need to show this dick who’s boss.” He swims backwards with Josie in his arms, still protesting. 

“I’m _tired_ , Jed.”  
  


“Just one–”

“Hey!” Hope says sharply from where she’s sitting. “No means no.”  
  


All three heads in the pool turn to look her way. Josie looks grateful. 

“She speaks!” Jed says mockingly. He lets Josie go and she swims away to the ladder this time. When she gets out of the water she’s shivering slightly. Lizzie hands her a towel, looking at Hope with what could be interpreted as mild respect.

“I speak, you shut up, we can make it an exchange.” Hope retorts coldly. Landon chokes on a laugh. 

Jed's eyes are burning with fury but it doesn’t faze Hope one bit. She’s dealt with a lot worse than egotistical boys. 

For a second he looks like he might say something back, but then Raf splashes him in the face – obviously in an attempt to diffuse the tension – so he turns his attention elsewhere, the moment over.

She feels a cold hand touch her hip. “Thank you.” Josie says softly. Her eyes are wide and admiring.

Hope shrugs it off. “I don’t like boys who push around girls.”

/ /

When she’s leaving a couple of hours later, Lizzie approaches her.

“So...standing up for Josie. That was cool.” She says the words like it’s hard for her to get them out.

Hope nods slowly.

“I would have, you know, stepped in, but I didn’t really notice what was happening…” Lizzie trails off, looking everywhere but at Hope. “I suppose what I’m saying is: having another girl in the group isn’t awful.”  
  


“Right.” Hope says hesitantly. “Thanks?” 

Landon thankfully appears then, changed and ready to go, so Lizzie nods and walks away.

It’s sort of nice. Not that Lizzie’s opinion matters to her, but still. It’s nice not to feel totally unwanted.

  
  


/ /

It takes Hope two months into their relationship to talk about her parents with Landon.

It’s a quiet evening. Her Aunts are out on date night so she and Landon are in her room, lying on her bed. The world outside feels paused as she looks at him.

“Why did you agree to go out with me?” He whispers, brushing a lock of her hair around her ear. “Like, really.”

She bites down hard on her lip, considering whether she’s really going to talk about it all. But Landon’s expression is so open, and there’s no judgement there, not even any expectation. 

She wants to keep this, wants to keep the small world she’s been building this summer.

“You said growing up, you struggled to find your identity.” Hope begins quietly. Landon nods. “Well that’s because when you’re young, _so much_ of who you are is your parents.” She swallows. “My parents were forces of nature. My dad was demanding, arrogant, charismatic. My mom was feisty, driven, intelligent. She was warm, he was… a little distant at times, but they both cared deeply about me.” 

“Sounds nice.” Landon says wistfully.

“It was. Until one day it all got ripped from me at once. My mom and dad, killed by something as mundane as a car crash.” She spits the words out. “One accident, and my home, my family, my _identity_ is just gone.” Her voice cracks and Landon shuffles forward, wrapping his arms around her. “I didn’t know how to deal with it. I couldn’t separate myself from my grief–” She cuts herself off as some particularly dark memories from the time following her parent’s death resurface.

“I’m sorry, Hope.” Landon whispers, eyes mournful. 

She nods, gritting her teeth. “Anyway. The only way I could regain some semblance of control over my life again was by deciding to distance myself from everyone but my family. That way, I could minimise the risk of ever having to go through that again. No new people to care about, no more people I could lose. And I did, for nearly two years.”

“What changed?” He asks softly.

“My Aunts. Five days before I met you, they sat me down. Said I couldn’t go on like this, refusing to get close to anyone. I was so upset. I felt like they were trying to force me to feel that pain again, and I just, I couldn’t– not again.”

She thinks back to the conversation, the words forever burned in her mind. 

_“Hope, life is full of pain.” Keelin says, gripping her hand. “Your parents dying will not be the last heartbreak you go through, and I know that’s terrifying to hear, but you can’t let fear control you.”_

_Hope shakes her head vehemently._

_“Baby, you need to understand this. Stopping yourself from feeling anything, in order not to feel pain, it’s an unsustainable solution.” Freya says desperately._

_“Why? It works fine for me.”_ _  
_

_“Because you’re_ alive _, Hope. And what you’re doing isn’t living.”_ _  
  
_

“And then, you.” Hope says, her smile watery. “It was too much of a coincidence, it felt like a sign.”

“Well,” Landon says, looking touched and overwhelmed by everything she just told him. “I’m honoured to be your first step back into living again.”

They kiss and she tries to ignore her thudding heart, each beat warning her that she’s broken her pact and there will be consequences.

/ /

The summer doesn’t end up being quite as horrific as Hope assumed it would be.

Bit by bit, she lets herself relax more around Landon, and by association, his friends. She can take small amounts of MG at a time, and once Lizzie’s snark stops being directed at her it becomes kind of amusing. Kaleb is actually really chill, and it turns out they do have one thing in common: an appreciation for jazz music. 

But, she still holds them at a distance, rarely discussing much about herself and never hanging out with them when Landon isn’t there. On a whole they seem to accept that: she’s a one foot out the door at all times kind of girl. It works.

The only problem is Josie. She seems determined to pull both of Hope’s feet through the door and lock it behind them. Once she’s shaken her initial tendency to be a pile of nerves around her, she becomes pretty relaxed when it comes to the _boundaries_ that Hope non-verbally sets in place.

On a night out to the movies in early August Josie greets Hope with an enthusiastic hug. She stands there stiffly while it happens and when Josie steps back everyone is eyeing them warily.

“Sorry! I’m a hugger. Is that okay?” Josie chews her lip nervously, eyes darting to Hope’s impassive face.

The _no_ is at Hope’s lips already, and she can even see Landon giving Josie an inconspicuous shake of his head.

Josie looks crestfallen. 

“Just don’t make it a frequent thing.” Hope finds herself saying. 

No one is more surprised than she is.

/ /

Josie’s idea of _not frequent_ is a hug hello and a hug goodbye everytime they all hang out.

/ /

Sometimes, everything gets too much. She needs her time alone, away from the expectations of others. A day just to _be._ She became accustomed to it over the past two years and occasionally she seeks out that same independence again. Often it involves painting all day in her room as the sunlight changes colour across her canvas.

Landon struggles a bit to understand this, thinks that she’s regressing, that it’s his job to force her out of herself. But every now and then, she doesn’t mind being inside herself at all.

These are the times that they argue: when he has something nice planned for them, or everyone is going out on a boat for the day and he wants her to join.

“Isn’t making nice memories with me more important?” Landon asks, exasperated. Jed’s truck trundles in the background as everyone waits for her.

She woke up that morning with her mom’s face still printed on the inside of her eyelids. “Not today, Landon. I don’t feel like it.”

“You don’t–” He runs his hands through his hair. “You don’t _feel_ like it? What kind of excuse is that, Hope? Come on, it’s gonna be so good, we have food and beers and–”

“No.”

His mouth snaps shut. “That’s it. You’re not coming?”

She’s not sure how many times she has to say the same thing. “No, I’m not coming.” 

Behind Landon she can see Josie leaning out the car window, her expression concerned. “Landon! We have the boat rented from ten, we need to get going.” She calls out.

He ignores her. “But what will you do instead?” He asks Hope petulantly.

“That isn’t your business.” She might have told him any other time, but right now he’s causing her defences to come up. 

Landon lets out a mean laugh. “Wow. I almost don’t feel like we’re in a relationship.”

She ignores how that comment hurts her. “Well, this is who I am, Landon. If you don’t like it, no one’s forcing you to be with me.”

He stares at her. “I thought relationships were about compromise.” 

“I’m not going to compromise on this.” 

The air between them hangs stiffly. She doesn’t even notice Josie get out of the car and come over until she’s right next to them.

“Guys,” She glances from Landon to her, clearly sensing the tension. “We need to go, like now…” 

“Yeah, okay Josie.” He says impatiently. “I’m just waiting for Hope.”  
  


“I told you, I don’t want to go.” She growls, all semblance of patience leaving her body.

“Okay, that’s sorted then!” Josie clasps her hands together. “Landon lets–”

“But Hope–”

“ _Landon_.” Josie snaps. “Just get in the car.” 

Landon looks at Josie, his face all scrunched up and hurt. She stares sternly back at him. Having known her for a couple of months now, Hope is aware that Josie doesn’t get angry often, and if she does, it’s rarely on her own behalf.

“I only wanted to be a normal couple.” Landon says pitifully, before dragging his feet to the car.

Josie folds her arms around her stomach, glancing back to Hope. “So, uh, have a nice day?”

“Thank you.” She replies, voice clipped. “And well, thank you, for...that.”

Josie lets her arms hang loose, fiddling with her fingers a little shyly as she says, “I don’t like boys who push around girls.” 

The echo of her own words makes a small smile flicker at Hope’s mouth for the first time that day.

/ /

Landon calls that evening to apologise.

“I think I have all these ideals of what a relationship should be like, when in reality I was just being an ass.” He says meekly.

She sighs. “If there’s one thing you need to learn about me, Landon, it’s that I’m never going to fit any ideals.”

/ /

It’s the first day of senior year and Josie is unnaturally nervous. She’s braided and re-braided her hair three times and drank two cups of coffee. 

“What is _up_ with you?” Lizzie exclaims when Josie comes barging into her room demanding to know where her turquoise turtleneck is.

“Nothing! I just know you steal my clothes.”

Lizzie gives her a look like she’s about five seconds from losing it but goes to root through her dresser anyway.

“Do you think she’ll sit with us at lunch?” Josie asks while she’s waiting.

“So _that’s_ what this is all about? Your obsession with Hope.”

“I’m not obsessed with her.” She says it automatically while she wonders whether she and Hope will share any classes this year.

“Here you go, psycho.” Lizzie thrusts the top at her. 

/ / 

Hope is chatting with Landon at his locker, one hard curled behind his neck, when Josie comes bouncing up to them. Hope is reminded of a puppy. She looks even younger than usual with her hair in two braids, eagerly gripping a binder to her chest like she’s a freshman not a senior. 

“Hey guys!” She grins and Hope can’t help but smile back. She can bear over-cheerfulness from very few people, but one of them is Josie. “Did you get your schedules?”

Hope nods, holding hers up and Josie snatches it from her, scanning it. “We share English Lit, AP Bio and gym.” She beams.

“Do you even care if _we_ share any classes?” Landon jokes, though Hope detects a hint of disgruntlement in his tone.

“Of course.” Josie placates, holding a hand out for his schedule. But then her eyes widen and she flattens herself against the lockers. 

“What is it?” Hope asks, looking at Landon but he appears bemused too.

Josie mumbles something, holding her binder up to her face. 

“What?”

“ _Penelope_.” Josie stage whispers.

Realisation dawns on Landon’s face. “Her ex.” He informs Hope, glancing around. Her stomach drops. Surely not the same one–

“Penelope Park?” Hope questions reluctantly.

Josie nods, looking confused. But then her face clears. “Right. You two were friends once, weren’t you?”  
  


Hope just shrugs, keeping her face blank. Josie eyes her curiously. 

“I’m not surprised you dropped her, babe.” Landon says, oblivious to any undertones. “She’s a bitch. Right, Joey?”

Josie looks down. She seems suddenly three times smaller. “She had her moments.”

/ /

Hope and Josie have gym together on Tuesday. It’s their first class together and Hope garners that Josie is very excited about this.

“Wait for me outside calculus, then we can walk there together.” Josie says as she applies lipgloss in her locker. 

“Can’t we just meet there?” Hope sighs. 

Josie turns those huge brown eyes on her. “ _Hope_.”

She falls back against the lockers, defeated. “Fine.”

/ /

They’re changing next to each other – something Josie seems to be doing as rapidly as possible – when Hope notices a collection of purple-green bruises circling Josie’s delicate wrist. The placement of them has her frowning.

“What happened?” She asks, brushing a finger against the bruises.

Josie springs back in surprise, obviously not expecting Hope to touch her. “What?” She says, chest heaving slightly. 

Hope frowns, the unpleasant feeling of worry sneaking up on her. “Your wrist.”

Josie looks down at it like she has no idea what Hope is talking about. “Oh.” She stares dumbly at it for a second. Then she plasters on a thin smile. “I think I twisted it or something, I told you I’m a clutz.”

Hope stares at her and Josie practically quivers under the look. “I’m all changed so I’ll see you out on the field.” Grabbing a hair tie, she darts around Hope, scurrying off towards the changing room exit. 

The whole interaction sits unpleasantly in Hope’s chest.

/ /

Hope joins Josie just as the teacher is calling the class to gather around for stretches. She holds a panicked breath for a second but thankfully Hope doesn’t bring up the bruises again.

They’re opening the year with field hockey, so the two girls go to collect their sticks and a ball to do some partner exercises. Josie sees a pink ball and reaches for it, but another hand gets there first.

Pouting, she looks up at the perpetrator and meets familiar dark eyes.

Penelope.

For a fleeting second, Penelope’s eyes soften as she looks at her, but then she glances to the side and they harden in a way that Josie is oh too familiar with. She turns to find Hope standing next to her.

Hope and Penelope lock gazes for a long moment. It’s unexpectedly intense. Josie wonders what happened between them.

The gym teacher blows her whistle –“Ladies, get a move on!” – breaking up the encounter as Penelope turns away. 

“What was that about?” Josie asks Hope.

“Nothing…” Hope leans on her hockey stick, gazing in the direction of Penelope. “Just, haven’t seen each other in a while.”

/ /

Josie is lent over her bag pulling out her jeans when someone shoves her from behind. She falls forward, hitting her head on the changing room bench. “Ow!”

“What the hell?!” She hears Hope growl at someone. She turns around slowly, holding her thudding forehead. 

Of course it was Penelope. She’s standing there smugly, arms crossed. “Oh I’m sorry, did I knock your girlfriend?” She asks Hope in a sickly sweet voice. A couple of Penelope’s friends snicker. Josie stares at the ground, willing it to collapse and take her with it. 

“Mature.” Hope retorts. “I think you probably need to move on, Penelope. It’s getting a bit sad.”

Josie flicks her eyes up and sees Penelope clench her jaw, glancing between Hope and Josie. Then her face settles in a cruel smirk.

“She’s great in the sack right?” She says to Hope in a low voice. _Oh god, oh god._ Josie’s face is on fire. “Makes these really cute noises, kind of delicious–”  
  


Hope slaps her. Hard. 

/ /

After the Penelope incident, Josie spends a lot of time following Hope around, offering to carry her books, braid her hair, buy her coffee. She has this permanent tone of reverence whenever she speaks to her, like Hope is the one who hung the moon in the sky. 

It’s kind of annoying– but mostly it’s really endearing. 

/ /

The day after Landon’s eighteenth he comes into school grinning like a Cheshire cat. 

Josie is panic searching her locker for her US history homework and ignores him for a good minute as he stands grinning next to her. Then he coughs. 

“What?” She sees the corner of a piece of lined paper sticking out from between her bio textbook and her piano music. “Ah hah!” She pulls out her history essay. “Thank god.” Landon is still grinning when she flops back against her locker in relief.

“So why are you so happy?”

He shrugs coyly.

“Oh come on, you obviously want to tell me.”

“Well…” He begins playing with the cuffs of his flannel. “Last night, after you all left, Hope stayed–”

“Obviously.”

“Let me finish!” He scolds her. “And, well, it happened.”

“What?” She asks dumbly.

“ _It._ The sex!”

“Oh.” She swallows, twice, trying to keep a sudden build-up of nausea down. “That’s great, Landon.”

“Yeah. She was kinda down all night so I didn’t think it was going to happen but then we were lying in bed and–”

“I _really_ don’t need the details.” Josie interrupts. 

“Fine, fine.” He holds his hands up. 

“So she stayed over?” He nods. “Where is she?” Josie glances around the hallway but can’t see Hope anywhere.

“Oh, yeah, she went home. I don’t think she’s coming in this morning.” He looks uncomfortable.

“What? Why not?” Her mind jumps to conclusions. “Did you hurt her during–”

“God, no!” He cuts her off. “It happened after.”

“What did?”

Landon seems hesitant to answer. “A couple of hours after we fell asleep, I woke up to her shouting and moving all over the place. She seemed really distressed and I guessed it was a nightmare so I tried to wake her up. But it was like she was trapped, I couldn’t get through to her.”

Josie frowns. “That’s awful. Any idea what she was dreaming about?”

“She called out for her parents,” He says quietly, eyes downcast and Josie’s heart clenches. “Afterwards she just lay there in a ball, shivering, on the other side of the bed. Wouldn’t let me comfort her.”

Josie slaps him on the arm. “All that and the _sex_ is what you wanted to talk about first?”

“What?” He splutters as she slams her locker closed. “That’s so unfair!”

She ignores him, taking out her phone. 

_Hey, do you want me to bring you the notes for bio after school? x_

Then she stalks off to US history, a class Landon shares with her. He speed-walks to keep up.

“Josie, come on–”

“I thought you were different to the other boys, Landon! More sensitive, less sex driven.”  
  


“I _am_. But the sex is a big deal to me because of the emotional side of it too.”

She slows down, glancing at him. “Really?”

“Of course! To be completely intimate with the girl I love… I just wanted to share how happy that made me feel with you.” 

So maybe she was being a little harsh. “Okay, I suppose– wait, did you say _love_?”

He shrugs bashfully. 

“Have you guys even said that to each other yet?”

He sighs. “I’m scared to say it. It might be too much for her.”

They walk into class and sit down. The teacher hasn’t arrived yet. “Landon, I’m sure she would rather know that the person she’s having sex with loves her.”

He pulls out his notepad. “Most girls would, yeah. But Hope is different. She had some oath for two years not to get close to anyone new.”

Though it causes a painful thrumming in her heart, she says, “You’re way beyond getting close, Lan. Trust me, tell her.”  
  


/ /

“This is my favourite season.” Hope sighs contentedly, leaning back against Landon. They’re in the local park at the end of October.

“Oh yeah?” He murmurs into her hair. “How come?”

“It shows the beauty in allowing life to alter, in letting go.” Landon hums thoughtfully. “Plus it’s perfect weatherwise. Not absolutely boiling like the summer when–”

“I love you.”

Hope freezes. 

“And I want to see all the seasons with you. Again and again.” She can hear the slight shake in his voice. “You don’t have to say anything back, I just wanted you to know that.”  
  


They sit still for a minute, Landon not daring to say anything else. 

Hope closes her eyes tight, fighting the urge to get up and run. Then she opens them and sees the leaves: myriads of colours accepting the process of change. 

“I love you too.” 

/ /

“Happy Halloween! You guys look great!” MG compliments, obviously already a little wavy. Music thuds behind him.

“Thank you.” Josie and Lizzie respond in synchrony. Lizzie is dressed as a slutty nurse and Josie a fairy. She grins as they step inside.“How exactly did your priest dad take you being a priest for halloween?”

MG laughs. “He hasn’t seen. The parents are out for the evening, and so long to them.” He salutes. “Drinks are in the kitchen. Let the pre-games begin.”  
  


Kaleb and Jed are already there, dressed as an axe murderer and a zombie– complete with green face paint. “Hey boys.” Lizzie says flirtily. Her and Sebastian broke up the other week. Josie wasn’t shocked when it happened, they’d pretty much been doomed once he’d gone off to college.

Apparently the slutty nurse costume is a well known signal: Lizzie is ready to hook up with someone tonight.

Josie is several margaritas in when the doorbell rings. “I got it!” She calls out. 

It’s Landon, Raf and Hope. “Heyy guys!” She smiles brightly, her breath catching as she looks at Hope. “Wow.” The word comes tumbling out by accident, her body working separately from her dignity. Hope is wearing a tight red dress, crimson lipstick and devil horns. She’s never before seen so much of the other girl’s skin. In that moment, the boys pretty much fade into the background.

Hope smirks. “That’s a lot of glitter.” She observes, eyes tracing Josie’s face. 

“I’m a fairy.” Josie says, still in a lust-filled daze, and does an unbalanced twirl to show her wings. 

“Very pretty.” Hope remarks, and it must be Josie’s drunkenness that has her thinking Hope’s eyes look a little soft.

“Hope swears she’s actually going to get drunk tonight,” Landon says excitedly. “Like have _actual_ fun.”

Hope elbows him. “You make me sound like a right scrooge.” She huffs.

“I’m down for actual fun.” Josie grins.

/ /

About an hour later, they are all sufficiently drunk enough to head to Alyssa Chang’s party that she’s hosting for the seniors. 

True to Landon’s word, Hope actually does get drunk, and it’s both fantastically charming and slightly unnerving to see her like this. It has her willingly engaging in physical touch with others aside from Landon – and Josie’s nerves are on end the whole night because of it.

She’s posing for a photo with Lizzie when Hope saunters up beside her, drink in hand, and wraps an arm around her waist. “Let me join.” She mumbles, leaning into Josie. 

“Yay! Girls photo.” Lizzie cheers. Josie swallows, Hope’s perfume washing over her. 

After Landon snaps the picture, Hope gives Josie’s waist a squeeze before letting go. 

Her legs almost cave in. 

/ /

Something about the effect Hope has on Josie gives her a small rush. She’s not stupid, she knows the girl had a little crush on her when they first met, but with the two of them becoming tentative friends she assumed it had faded away. 

But after seeing Josie’s reaction to her putting on a tight dress, it’s clear that the crush may still show it’s face every now and then.

She looks so adorable tonight with her sequined skirt and sheer top, face alight with glitter, that Hope finds herself indulging in the sort of fun she would usually hold back on. 

When Josie is making herself a drink in the kitchen, Hope comes up and presses against her from behind, reaching for a beer. Josie yelps and spills the drink she’s making. It’s reminiscent of that first conversation they had back in June, in Josie’s kitchen with ice cubes going everywhere. 

Josie turns around, bambi eyes wide. “Hope.” She greets, her voice high pitched.

Hope wipes lazily at Josie’s lip with her thumb, and, if possible, the girl’s eyes widen further. “Lipstick’s smudged.” Hope informs her. 

Josie nods shakily. “Oh, thanks.”

“Are you having fun?” Hope asks, not stepping back.

Josie attempts to gain her composure. “I was, but I just saw Raf and Lizzie making out so I might throw up.”

Hope wrinkles her nose. “Weird.”

“Yeah. Are you? Having fun?”

Hope really thinks about it. “Actually, yeah.” 

In response, Josie gives her the kind of smile that could light up a night sky. 

/ /

“I actually–” _Sneeze._ “can’t _believe_ –” _Sneeze._ “I’m missing out on such a fun day!” Lizzie complains from her sick bed as Josie sets a cup of tea down beside her. “I mean go-karting! I freaking love driving those things as fast as I can– who doesn’t love an adrenaline rush like that?”  
  


“Me.” 

“Well, you’re a stiff.”

“Thanks Lizzie. You’re welcome for the tea by the way.”

“Oh boohoo. You’re really not gonna go? It’s Raf’s eighteenth!” She croaks in protest.

Josie shrugs. “I’m not really into go-karting.” Lizzie eyes her suspiciously as Josie busies herself with plumping up her pillow. 

“What’s the real reason?”

“That is the real reason.”

“So you’re just gonna sit around with your sick sister all day? You know I’m probably just gonna sleep right?”

“Well actually…” Josie hesitates. “Hope’s not going either. So I thought I might hang out with her.”  
  


“And there we have it,” Lizzie says triumphantly. “The real reason you’re bailing.”

“Shut up.”  
  


“Your obsession strikes again. Have you ever actually hung out one-on-one at her house before?”

Josie chews her lip, putting a cardigan on and grabbing her phone. “No…"

“Did she invite you?”

“Uh, no. I’m just gonna go round, see if she wants to do anything.”

“You’re such a creeper.” 

“I’m not! Hope and I are friends. Someone needs to take the next step in our friendship, and it’s not going to be her.”

Lizzie just observes her, eyebrows raised, as Josie puts on red lip crayon. “Josie…”

“What?” She sighs, shoulders dropping. She knows that tone.

“She’s straight. And in love with Landon. It’s not going to happen.” Lizzie says quietly. 

Swallowing months worth of longing, Josie nods. “I know. It’s just– being around her is better than not being around her. Even if it’s just as friends.” 

Lizzie doesn’t say anything back to that. 

/ /

Josie feels shaky with nerves when she rings Hope’s doorbell. For a minute, she waits, and no one comes, which sets Josie’s anxiety whirring. Maybe this is a terrible mistake and a total invasion of privacy.

She’s five seconds from scampering back to her car when a blonde woman opens the door.

“Hello.” The woman greets, looking a little bemused.

“Hi!” Josie squeaks. “I’m, uh, a friend of Hope’s. Is she in?”

If anything, this makes the woman look more confused. “What’s your name?” 

Oh god. “Josie?” Somehow she manages to sound unsure. 

The woman’s face smooths out. “Josie. Yeah. She’s mentioned you a couple of times actually.” Josie’s heart does a happy jump at that information. “Come in.” She steps to the side and Josie walks in, hand tight around the strap of her handbag. “Sorry if I came off at all rude, Hope doesn’t usually have anyone round except Landon.” Josie nods, eyes greedily taking in the house as the woman keeps talking. “Of course we knew she had a friend group, we just assumed they were more Landon’s friends than hers.”  
  


They come to a stop at the bottom of the stairs. “I’m Freya, by the way.”

“Josie.” Shit. “Which I already told you. Sorry.” 

The woman’s eyes crinkle as she smiles. “Can I get you a drink?”  
  


“No, no, I’m good thanks.”

“Okay, well Hope’s room is the third door on the left.” She points up the stairs.

Knocking on Hope’s door is about ten times more nerve wracking. 

“Yeah?” Hope sounds a little bored. 

Josie pushes the door open a crack and peers inside, feeling very much like the creeper that Lizzie told her she was. “Josie?” Hope sits up on her bed and puts down the book she was reading. “What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be at the racetrack?”  
  


Josie doesn’t dare take another step in until she’s invited to do so. “I don’t like cars.” She says dumbly. “Or racing them?”  
  


Hope just looks at her. “Okay.”  
  


Feeling flustered, Josie continues. “Landon told me you weren’t going, so I thought maybe we could...hangout?”

This seems to throw Hope off. She hesitantly swings her legs off the bed, eyes darting around. “Um, alright.”

She looks like Josie just suggested they take cocaine. “Only if you want to.” Josie says, feeling very uncomfortable.

“No, I do. But, um, what would that include?”

“I don’t know, we could chat, watch a movie, paint our nails…” Then very reluctantly, she adds “Talk about boys?”

When Hope nods, Josie breathes a small sigh of relief. “Okay. Nails. Sure.” 

/ /

A little while later, the two of them are sitting crossed legged on Hope’s carpet, an explosion of nail varnishes surrounding them.

Josie is painting Hope’s nails a deep blue. “Blue is the warmest colour.” She quips, but Hope just looks confused. 

“So why didn’t you go to Raf’s thing?” Josie asks her, tongue between her teeth as she concentrates. 

“Oh, um. My aunts and I, we have this thing, a saying, I guess. _No unnecessary risks_. Driving super fast around a racetrack, especially with how my parents died…” Hope trails off.

Josie bites her lip. “Yeah,” She says softly. “That makes sense.”

“But Landon said they’re going for dinner after, at a diner, so we can meet them there.” Hope moves the conversation along. 

“Ah okay, what time?” Josie moves onto Hope’s other hand.

“Seven.”  
  


There’s a few minutes of silence between them. It’s not necessarily uncomfortable, but Josie is aware of it, like she’s aware of everything when she’s around Hope. It’s like her senses are turned up.

“I’m sorry if I acted weird earlier.” Hope surprises her by breaking the quiet. “It’s just, I haven’t hung out with a girl friend in so long, I kind of forgot how to do it.”  
  


Josie smirks. “Yeah you did kinda look at me like I came in here holding a gun.” She teases.

Viper fast, Hope pokes her in the stomach, causing Josie to yelp and jerk her hand. 

“Josie!” Hope exclaims, staring pointedly at her now nail polish covered hand. “Look what you did!” 

“Me?” Josie splutters. Then she sees Hope’s secret grin. “You’re an ass.” She chuckles, nudging Hope’s shin with her socked foot.

/ /

It turns out Hope is an avid reader. Josie has obviously seen her read every now and then during a free, when she’s finished all her work, but looking at her overflowing bookshelf, she’s pleasantly surprised to have something in common with the girl. 

“What are you reading right now?” She mumbles, picking up the book on Hope’s bed. It turns out to be a poetry collection.

“Adrienne Rich?” Josie is shocked. Adrienne Rich is a gorgeously talented poet. She’s also very gay.

She turns to look at the girl still sitting on the floor. “I came to explore the wreck...” Hope murmurs.

It does something strange to Josie’s body, hearing Hope recite poetry. “...I came to see the damage that was done.” She whispers back. 

Hope gives her one of those unravelling stares she’s so good at. Josie swallows, breaking eye contact to look down at the book in her hand, running her finger across the cover. “I have this collection, and _A Wild Patience Has Taken Me This Far._ I can lend it to you if you like?”

Hope nods slowly. 

The odd tension is broken when Aunt Freya appears with sandwiches for lunch.

/ /

In her own private space, Hope seems less onguard, less withdrawn. The conversation ebbs and flows between them more naturally than it ever has. Josie loves it, feels like she’s finally getting to see a more intimate part of what she knows is a truly complex girl.

So of course she has to go and ruin it by masochistically asking about Hope’s boyfriend. “So how are things between you and Landon?”  
  


They’re lying head to toe on her bed: Josie has her long legs up against Hope’s bedroom wall. 

“They’re good.” She can hear the smile in Hope’s voice. “He makes me forget things, and stay...present. I need that.”

Josie nods. “Yeah, Landon is a very live in the moment kind of guy.”

“He’s so open too. Says exactly what he’s feeling.”

“You do that too.” Josie points out. “When I met you I was terrified of how blunt you were.”

Hope chuckles. “I don’t say most of what I’m thinking though.”

Josie sighs, tracing the wall with her toe. “Yeah, me neither.”

Hope sits up, a cheeky expression on her face. “Really? So what’s going on in that head, Josie Saltzman?”  
  


Josie just blushes, refusing to answer, and Hope laughs loud and free.

/ /

“Landon still hasn’t texted me back.” Hope frowns as they sit in Josie’s car. “I asked him if we’re still on for seven like half an hour ago.”

“His phone probably died.” Josie replies, checking her mirror before pulling slowly out of Hope’s drive. “He’s crappy when it comes to charging it.” 

Hope nods, dropping the phone back into her handbag. “Let’s just head to the diner then.”  
  


They drive quietly for a few minutes, Josie basking in the success of their day together. “Music?” She asks Hope.

“Sure.” Hope turns on the radio and gets the news. 

“Ugh, my dad must have used this car yesterday– he does that sometimes when his runs out of gas.” Josie complains. “Just switch it over.”  
  


Hope is reaching lazily for the button when a breaking news alert comes on. It catches both of their attention like the snap of a whip. _“At approximately 5:45pm this evening a shooting occurred at Mystic Fall’s ‘Race Hut’, a go-karting track on Sandy Lane. We have not yet been informed if or how many fatalities there has been–”_

_/ /_

Hope doesn’t hear the rest because her ears have begun to ring. 

She barely notices Josie take a quick U-turn, too busy trying to keep her breathing regulated. 

It won’t be him. It won’t be him. No one’s luck is that bad. 

It won’t be him.

/ /

They reach the _Race Hut_ and Hope is out the car before Josie has even fully parked it, dashing over to where several cop cars are parked, their blue and red lights flashing ominously in the dusky evening light.

Swearing, Josie slams her car door and runs after her. 

“Ma’am, you cannot go in there, this is a crime scene.” A bulky latino cop is baring Hope’s way. 

“I just need to know if my boyfriend is okay– he was here– ” Josie reaches Hope’s side, her own panic starting to take root in her stomach. She had half expected to see Landon and the boys here, that everything would be okay, but the place seems to be filled only with cops.

“Anyone who was injured in any way was taken to the local hospital, anyone else is at the station filing a statement–”

“But who was taken where? Was anyone killed?” Hope’s voice is getting louder. The cop is joined by another officer. “How can you not know these things?!”

Josie steps forward, rubbing Hope’s arm. “Do you know if any teenage boys were taken to the hospital?” She asks the new cop, trying to keep her voice even and respectable.

He clicks his tongue, face thoughtful. “I don’t know the ages, but I was informed that three people were taken to hospital.”

“We have to go. Now Josie.” Hope orders, already running back to the car.

Josie follows, fumbling with her car keys at the ignition. She can feel Hope’s eyes burning into her skull, “Josie–”

“I’m going, I’m going.”

The drive is deadly silent. Josie knows she should be trying to reassure Hope, but honestly her own thoughts are caught in a whirlwind. Three people. Three of her friends could potentially be hurt, or–

No. Thinking like that will do nothing. She counts to a hundred in her head and feels cruel for hoping it’s only strangers that are lying in hospital beds right now.

/ /

Hope’s head feels numb by the time they reach the hospital. She hates hospitals– they set off a primal fight or flight feeling within her. So she lets Josie do the talking at the desk, follows her mutely to an elevator and stares at the ghostly pale girl in the mirror as it takes them up. Josie remains silent beside her, chewing her bottom lip viciously.

The receptionist told them that three victims of the _Race Hut_ shooting – Hope blanches at the fact that the incident already has a name– had indeed been admitted, but that due to the urgency of the situation, she did not yet have their names. 

She had directed them to a floor they could wait on for news.

So they wait.

For over an hour, Hope sits as still as a statue as Josie paces back and forth, repeatedly calling each of their friends that went to the go-karting track. None of them answer. 

“Fuck!” Josie shouts when another call goes straight to voicemail, running shaky hands through her hair. 

Hope feels like she’s suspended in some sort of earth-bound purgatory, one that exists solely on this floor of the hospital, in this single, continuous, punishing moment.

All she can do is repeat a mantra inside her head: _please be okay, please be okay, please be okay._

Then finally, she spots Raf. 

He looks almost like a stranger as he stands in the crowded hallway, his body hunched and stiff.

Josie follows her eye-line. “Raf…” Hope is already up and running, hurtling into people as she goes.

Rafael doesn’t register her until she’s right in front of him, waving a hand in his face. Even then his gaze remains slightly unfocused.

“Landon– is he okay? Raf. Raf! Is he _okay_?” The words come out in a desperate jumble, unable to separate themselves from one other. 

When Raf finally looks at her, she sees the answer in his eyes before he even gives it.

For the second time in her life, Hope’s world implodes.

  
  



	2. Chapter 2

_“I’m sorry baby.” Her Aunt Keelin’s eyes seem to quiver, awash with tears. “They’re gone.” The woman chokes on a sob. “I’m so sorry.” She reaches for Hope but the teenager steps back._

_“What do you mean– I don’t–” She doesn’t understand. The pasty grey colour of the hospital surrounding her blurs, and the relentless beeping of machines drills into her head. “How can they be gone?”_

_Aunt Keelin blinks, probably not expecting to have to explain this to a fifteen year old. But Hope doesn’t feel older than five right now, and she wants her mom and dad. “The car that hit them was going over 50mph, Hope. They didn’t really stand a chance–”_

_Hope feels faint. 50mph._

_“–the fact your momma held on as long as she did was a miracle really–”_

_“Miracle?” Hope chokes out. “A miracle would be them being alive right now!”_

_Keelin nods, tears falling down her face._

_Hope doesn’t want to be here anymore._

_/ /_

“Hope?” There’s a taste of acrid vomit in her mouth. Blinking, Hope looks down to find sick pooled at her feet and Raf and Josie crouched beside her. She stares blankly at them. 

Josie’s face is swollen and streaked with tears, fresh ones tumbling out of her eyes even now. Raf just looks grey and drawn as if he’s aged ten years in a day. His right arm is in a sling.

Josie rubs her bicep with a hand that tremors slightly. Hope can’t even feel it.

Seeing that Hope is verbally unresponsive, Raf turns to Josie. “Should I get a nurse?”

Josie nods, pulling her cardigan off. Hope watches with detachment as she uses it to dab at the sick around her mouth. 

“No nurse.” Hope croaks out finally, when Raf goes to stand up. He pauses in an awkward half crouch. “But the vomit…” He says, looking down at it.

“You should call your Aunts, Hope.” Josie says gently. “Or I can, if you give me your phone–”  
  


Josie is cut off by the ringing of her own mobile, and she stares at it for a second as if it’s some foreign object to her. 

“Jo, you gonna answer that?” Raf asks. 

She jerks, snapping out of her daze and answering her phone with the hand that isn’t holding her now sick-covered cardigan. 

/ /

“Hey, Josie.” Lizzie yawns through the words. “Sorry, I fell asleep a few hours after you left and I’ve been in a coma since then – you know what cold medicine does to me.” She sniffs. “I feel a lot less like I want to rip my throat out though.” Josie listens numbly. “Anyway, why’d you call me so many times?”

She feels her throat close up, suddenly faced with the prospect of telling Lizzie what’s happened. 

“Jo?”

She bites down on her lip hard, feeling the skin break and tasting copper.

“Josie, are you still there? Is something wrong?”  
  


Landon. Her Landon. Who she met in the music room at school on a blustery October day, the next hour passing unnoticed as they chatted about guitars and favourite songs. The boy who kissed her at new years when Penelope got too drunk and passed out. The boy who knows she hates her birthday and loves the colour yellow. The boy who always let her sleep over when her dad got too much.

Everything catches up to her suddenly and she lets out a broken sob before she can stop herself. 

“Josie? What’s wrong? Where are you?” Lizzie’s voice is frantic now.

All she can do is cry. It’s like a part of her she thought she’d have for decades to come is shattering.

Raf gently takes the phone from her hand and explains everything in a low voice. Josie marvels at his ability to keep himself together. She’s yet to see him shed a tear.

Hope has sort of frozen, watching Josie cry as they kneel on the ground together. 

A nurse has finally noticed the motley bunch of kids blocking up the hallway and approaches them with a frown. Upon seeing the state they’re in, her expression softens. Raf hands Josie back her phone, and murmurs something to the nurse. 

Now her face is blanketed in sympathy. 

“I’ll get maintenance to come and clean this up. How ‘bout you kids sit over there and wait for your parents.” She says kindly, pointing to some chairs. “I’ll bring you some water.” She strides away.

“Lizzie says she’ll be here once your dad gets home and can give her a lift.” Raf says.  
  


Her dad. Josie glances down at her phone and sees that she has a text from him.

_still at the station. heard the kid who died was kirby. sorry baby girl._

It’s always kind of sucked that her dad is the Chief of Police, but never has it sucked more than this current moment. 

/ /

Seeing Josie – who is always so damn cheerful to a fault, so faithfully optimistic – breakdown, is disturbing for Hope. She’s always found that seeing her own grief reflected in others makes her feel so much worse. It magnifies it, realises it in a way that makes it inescapable. It’s why she couldn’t bear to be around her Aunt Keelin or Freya, or any of her other family members, past the funeral. It’s why she got so used to being alone.

Hope continues to stare with mounting horror as Josie cries. She watches as Raf so naturally steps in to help her, taking her phone and speaking to Lizzie with familiarity, holding his own agony in the tightness of his shoulders. 

She’s never seen Josie cry. She’s never seen this show of leadership from Rafael.

These aren’t her people, she realises. Their grief is not her own. Without Landon, she doesn’t belong with them.

Without Landon, she is nothing to them.

She has to get out of here.

On unsteady feet, she rises, and with legs that tremble, she begins to walk away.

“Hope?” Josie croaks out. “Where are you going?” She keeps walking, faster now that her strength is returning. “Hope!”

The summer pool days, film nights, halloween, lunches in the cafeteria, gym class with Josie…

She leaves it all behind.

/ /

Her aunts find her crouched in a grimy back staircase of the hospital an hour later. Hope had realised very quickly that she had no means of getting home: Josie had driven her here, and she’d left her purse in the other girl’s car.

Aunt Keelin crouches beside her, peeling her fingers away from her mouth. She didn’t even realise she’d been biting her nail beds, but sees now that they’re bloody and sore. Her aunt’s face is hard and sad, like she’s angry, not at Hope, but at the world. 

Aunt Freya is holding her purse. “Come on, let’s get out of here.” She says. “This hospital gives me the jitters.”  
  


/ /

They don’t put the news on. Hope doesn’t check her phone. She doesn’t want to know – she _can’t_ know. Any extra information right now will push her over the edge.

Keelin heats up some of the lasagna they had for dinner and places a plate of it in front of Hope. She zones out watching the steam rise from it. Her aunt’s voice startles her.

“Hope, you haven’t eaten since Freya brought you girls those sandwiches. I don’t want you collapsing.”

Collapsing sounds fairly tempting right now. She plans to take a bunch of sleeping pills and knock herself out anyway. But she knows they won’t let her escape upstairs until she eats something, so she forces some of it down. The consistency, though nothing abnormal, makes her want to gag. 

Finding herself suddenly parched, she walks to the kitchen and gulps down a cold glass of water. It clears her mind a bit. But with a clear mind comes a rush of pain that was previously numbed by her mechanical disposition. Gasping, she grips the edge of the sink until her knuckles turn white.

“Hope…” Freya hovers anxiously in her peripheral but Hope shakes her head, willing them both to leave her alone. 

“Babe, maybe if you talk about it–”

“No. No, I don’t want to talk about it.” Hope cuts out, her mind swimming. She can’t stop herself from imagining Landon’s last moments, wondering if it was quick– but no, it couldn’t have been if he was rushed to hospital. Why didn’t anyone call her? Maybe she could have said goodbye...she didn’t even know if Raf had managed to talk to Landon before he died. Why the hell didn’t Raf call her? She could have seen him one last time. Seen his eyes just once more…

Fuck him. Fuck everyone. 

She feels a touch to her elbow and jerks her arm in reaction, making contact with a soft body. Without checking to see if her aunt is okay, she practically runs out of the room and up the stairs, slamming her door harder than is probably good for it. It rattles in its frame, her own agony vibrating through the wood. 

Hope sits down on her bed and just stares at the wall, unable to block out the surging emotions and memories. It could be hours that she sits there, she doesn’t know. No one disturbs her. Her aunts know better than that. 

She wants to scream. No, more than that. She feels this bitter, rotting fury bleeding through her body. She wants to hurt something, someone, the way _she’s_ hurting. 

A line from Fight Club pops uninvited into her head: _I felt like destroying something beautiful._

Her bedroom door edges open slowly. Hope stiffens when it’s Josie who peers around it.

“What are you doing here?”

/ /

Josie feels hopeless as she watches Hope disappear into the bustle of the hospital, becoming just another sad face in a crowd of sad people. 

Raf steps forward and squeezes her shoulders from behind. “Just let her go, Jo. There’s nothing we can do.”

She shakes her head, sure to her core that that isn’t true. She doesn’t care how withdrawn Hope is, everyone needs people. Even the souls that have decided to be lonely forever.

She turns back to the boy behind her. “Raf–” Her voice is shaky, but she’s determined to know. “What happened?”

Raf’s eyes take on a haunted look, one that Josie believes will linger in years to come every time he’s asked about this dreadful night. “I dunno, it just– it all happened so fast. We were like the only ones left on the track except these two twenty-something guys. We’d been racing them a bit, it was a laugh you know? So we stayed right until the end. We’d just gotten changed out of the gear and were heading out and this dude comes barreling in. There was a worker at the door who tried to keep him out ‘cause the place was closing and he just smacks him right in the face with something.” 

Josie swallows, feeling tense and on edge as if she’s experiencing the story in real-time. There’s dread curling in her stomach despite the fact that she knows how this ends.

“We all hear it and realise something really bad is happening. The guy falls to the ground, nose bloody and then we see the gun.” Raf’s jaw clenches. “He hit him in the face with the barrel of a gun. We all just sort of froze. It’s true what they say about time slowing down in these moments, I swear my legs felt like they weighed a tonne.” He stares up at the ceiling. “I don’t remember much about the guy. Long-ish hair, shorter than me, maybe–” His voice shakes. “Maybe about Landon’s height. I just remember his eyes. They weren’t–” His voice cuts off with a sharp intake of breath. Josie grabs his hand, the one not wrapped up in a cast. He holds on tight, taking a few moments. 

“Jo I’ve never seen something so terrifying.” He whispers finally. “I don’t think I’ll ever forget his eyes.”

They stand together quietly for a while, Josie offering as much comfort as she can through touch as she knows her words aren’t enough right now. 

Eventually Raf speaks again. “He started screaming about how no one cares, no one appreciates him. That he was gonna make everyone pay. He’s swinging the gun all over the place. One of the older guys that we raced stepped forward, tried to calm him down.” Raf chokes on something that’s half laugh, half sob. “Brave bastard. Got a bullet straight to the stomach. I don’t even– I’ve no idea if he’s dead or not.” He breathes out shakily. “Of course everyone started screaming and running, and that freaked the guy out so he fired a bunch more shots. Most of them missed I think ‘cause everyone had scattered, but one got my arm and one–” His eyes are wet now and so are Josie’s. “–one got Landon.”

/ /

Raf tells Josie that the manager of _Race Hut_ came charging out with a gun of his own, sending the man running out the door. The ambulance and police arrived soon after but it was already looking bad for Landon.

“I held his hand the whole way, but he lost consciousness before we even reached the hospital. And then he just never came back.” Raf finally begins to cry and Josie wraps herself around his body.

A little while later Raf and Landon’s foster parents come out from speaking to a doctor. As Landon’s emergency contacts, they’d been called as soon as he was admitted to hospital. Their eyes are red rimmed but their expressions are firm. 

“Our boy will be moved to the funeral home shortly. You should say your goodbyes now.” Hector’s voice is thick with grief. Josie has always found the boys’ foster parents to be a little inaccessible. They’re strict – devout Catholics – and don’t tend to express a wide range of the emotions they deem dramatic. As a naturally bubbly person, Josie has always suspected that they didn’t like her much. 

However, to question whether they cared for Landon would be ridiculous. They loved him in their own way: understated, but deep.

There’s something about being in a room with a dead person that creates a silence, no matter how much noise surrounds it. Josie has only experienced it once before, with her nanna – her father’s mother. A brash, loud woman all her life, the silence left behind in her death had been unnerving. 

Being in the hospital room with Landon’s body is so much worse. She feels unsteady as she walks inside, Raf’s hand held tightly in her own. It’s like entering a moment of nothingness: no beeping machine, no sunlight, no rise and fall of breath. It’s terrifying. 

Landon looks tiny lying on the bed, swamped in a sheet pulled up to his chin. His face is pale and bloodless, his normally bouncing hair lying limply against his forehead. Josie lets out a gasp at the sight, shoulders shaking, and Raf wraps an arm around her. 

“This is wrong, this is so, so wrong.” She cries. 

“I know.” He responds gravely. For a while they both stare at the body of the boy they love, too horrified to speak.

Eventually Josie shakily separates herself from Raf and approaches the bed. 

“Hey, you.” She says quietly. “I’m so– I’m so sorry this happened. It’s not fair that good people always seem to get the worst from life.” She swallows, closing her eyes momentarily. “But I don’t need to tell you that. You had your fair share of shitty cards dealt.” She takes Landon’s hand, flinching at the coldness of it. “I’ll never forget you Landon. Never. I’ll go to watch every new Stars Wars film they release,” She hears Raf’s rough chuckle. “and take lots of photos, and do something to honour every single one of your birthdays.” She chokes on a sob, leaning forward to press her lips against a cool forehead. “I love you, Landon.” 

Before leaning back, she has a sudden thought. “I promise to look after her for you.” She whispers, quiet enough that even Raf can’t hear. “I know you saw so much in her, and I think I do too.”

She leaves Rafael to have a moment alone with his brother, hoping she hasn’t made an impossible promise. 

/ /

Lizzie and her dad arrive shortly after. Lizzie is dressed in a thick fleece and her nose is red from vigorous tissue use. 

“Jo!” She says a little hoarsely when she sees her, speeding up her pace. Josie sinks into her sister's arms and Lizzie squeezes tightly as if trying to hold the pieces of her together. 

“It’ll be okay.” Lizzie whispers into her ear. “We’ll be okay.” Josie nods, willing herself to believe her. 

She feels a heavy hand clap down on her back. Recognising it as her father’s, she turns around. He’s got his kind eyes on, an expression of sympathy and awkwardness. Emotions aren’t usually her dad’s thing– at least, not the warm ones.

“Sorry we took so long. It’s crazy at the station right now.” He says gruffly. 

Josie stares down at her hands. Her dad runs his fingers through his hair, letting it flop limply down again. It’s an action he does when he’s uncomfortable.

“Uh, how are you doing?”

She shrugs. “Not great.” 

“Is he– I mean, have you...seen him?”

She nods minutely. Lizzie winces out of the corner of her eye.

He folds and unfolds his arms. “The thought right now is that it wasn’t premeditated, just from the witness descriptions but–”  
  


“ _Dad_.” Lizzie interrupts. “Come on, no cop talk.”

Josie wants to curl up in a ball and never unfold again.

Her dad nods. “Right. Well, I’m here to drive you home.”  
  


“It’s okay, I have my car with me.”

“I’ll drive you, Jo.” Lizzie jumps in. “You’re not in the right mindset to be behind a wheel.”

Her dad just makes a _whatever_ gesture with his hands, so Josie goes to grab her bag. Raf is standing not too far away with his foster parents. She walks over to him. 

“Hey.” She says gently, touching his arm. “I’m going to head home. Do you want a lift back to yours?”  
  


He looks tempted by the idea of escaping the hospital, but eventually shakes his head, throwing a glance towards his parents. “No...I should stay.”

“You sure?”

Another hesitation. “Yeah. Thanks though.”

She hugs him tight. “Course. If you need anything–”

“Yeah, same for you.”  
  


Lizzie gives Raf a hug as well, and then they make their way slowly down to the carpark. Josie doesn’t speak and Lizzie herself looks dazed.

They sit silently in the car for a good few minutes before Lizzie finally speaks, wrinkling her nose.

“Ew, what is that _smell_?”

Josie frowns. “What smell?”

“It’s like, vomit or something.”

“What–” Josie looks down at her hand where her sick soaked cardigan hangs limply. “Oh. This.” She holds it up. 

Lizzie recoils. “Yuck! What the hell Josie?”

“Hope was sick, she needed something to wipe her mouth…”  
  


“And tissues were out of the question?” 

Josie shrugs. Shaking her head, Lizzie starts the car. 

Their dad follows them home, but when they get out of the car he leans his head out of his window. 

“Sorry girls, but I have to head back to the station. They still haven’t caught the guy…” He trails off at their expressions. “It’s a big case, the biggest we’ve had in a while.”  
  


There’s a palpable look of excitement about him. Josie has to hide her disgust.

Realising neither of them are going to say anything, their dad starts to pull out. “I might be out all night.” is his goodbye.

They watch him go, Lizzie’s face dismayed, Josie’s blank.

“Come on,” Lizzie says, wrapping an arm around her. “Let’s get warm.”

/ /

Josie sits listlessly in the living room as Lizzie faffs about her. It’s unusual for their dynamic.

“Do you want something to eat? I can make pasta.”  
  


Josie shakes her head. 

“I could run you a bath?” She twists her hands anxiously. “Or we could watch a movie?” When Josie doesn’t say anything Lizzie kneels in front of her. “Josie _please_. Tell me what you need.”

“Nothing…” She murmurs. 

“I must be able to do something for you!”

“Lizzie, you don’t have to do anything. You lost him too.”

“Yeah, I know. But you two… you were best friends, connected somehow. It’s like if I lost MG–” She swallows. “God Jo, I wouldn’t know what to do with myself.”

Neither does Josie. 

“But you’re right. We’ll get through this together. You, me, MG, Raf, Kaleb, even Jed. We have each other.” Lizzie is nodding vigorously, as if trying to convince herself.

“You forgot Hope.”

Lizzie’s brow furrows. “What?”

“In your list, you forgot Hope.”  
  


Realisation breaks out on her sister’s face. Then confliction. “Jo…” She starts gently. “Hope won’t keep hanging out with us, not now Landon is,” She swallows. “Gone.”

“I don’t think that’s true.”

Lizzie sighs. “Josie –“

“She _needs_ us. She has no one.” Josie protests, standing up abruptly. Lizzie has to lean back to avoid being knocked over. “Her boyfriend just died and she’s all alone. And you want to – to _cut_ her out?”

“She’ll cut herself out!” Lizzie says, irritated now. “If you think otherwise, you’re delusional.” As soon as the words are out of Lizzie’s mouth the annoyance disappears from her face, quickly replaced with guilt. She sighs. “I’m sorry, Jo. I didn’t mean that. I know you care for her–“

“I have to go.”

“What?” Lizzie follows Josie out of the living room. “Where are you going?” Josie ignores her, picking up her purse and her car keys. “ _Josie_. What are you doing?”

“I’m going to Hope’s.” 

Lizzie’s mouth falls open in shock, and then the anger is back. “You’re kidding me, right?”

  
When Josie reaches for the door handle Lizzie wrenches her back by her arm. “You’re not fucking going to Hope’s!”  
  


“Get off me!” 

“No, I’m serious Josie. It’s 10:30pm, you’re exhausted, you’re not going over there!”  
  


Josie whips around. “I don’t care what time it is!” She yells and Lizzie steps back. “Landon is dead. He’s dead. He’ll still be dead at midnight when this hellish day becomes tomorrow, and at 3am, and 9am and every single other fucking time for the rest of my life. He’s dead and there’s nothing I can do except _try_ and be there for the one person he probably cared about more than any of us.” 

Lizzie’s face curls bitterly. “He did not care about _her_ more than you and Raf. He only knew her for six months!”

Josie lets her head drop back against the door. “Love doesn’t grow appropriately, Lizzie.”

Lizzie folds her arms defensively. She’s never been in love. “You’re really going to leave me alone?”

“I’m sorry.” Josie says sincerely. “But she’s hurting more right now. Maybe call MG–”

Lizzie is already walking away, shoulders tight. 

For a second, Josie hesitates. Is this wrong? Is she being a terrible person? But then she thinks of a sick stained cardigan and the decision is obvious.

/ /

“Josie?” Freya seems more than shocked to find Josie at her door. “Why are you here?”

Josie opens her mouth, but isn’t really sure what to say. 

Freya shakes her head. “God, what am I saying. I should be asking how you’re holding up–” She rubs a hand across her face. “I’m so sorry babe, why don’t you come in?” She opens the door wider. It’s a moment of deja-vu for Josie. She can’t believe it was only earlier that afternoon that she was stepping into Hope’s house for the first time.

Josie follows Freya into the kitchen. There’s no sign of Hope.

“Can I get you anything? A drink? Some food, maybe?”

Josie is about to shake her head no when she sees a dish of half-eaten lasagna on the countertop and her stomach growls. 

Freya smiles. “I’ll get you a plate.”  
  


/ /

Fifteen minutes later Josie’s hollow stomach is significantly more full. She hadn’t realised just how hungry she was.

“How’s Hope?” She asks carefully, putting her knife and fork down.

Freya’s face tightens. “Honestly, she’s...bad. Really bad. I’m guessing you came here to see her?”  
  


Josie nods.

“Babe I have to tell you, she doesn’t do well with accepting help from others. Why do you think I’m not up there with her now?”

“I have to try.”

Freya looks at her long and hard, her expression indecipherable. “Okay.”

/ /

For a moment, Hope is too taken aback to say anything at all. She had been expecting one of her aunts, not _Josie_ . What time is it? Why is she here?  
  


Josie looks utterly exhausted. Her blouse is crumpled, her hair tangled in ways that Hope knows will be a nightmare in the morning. One of her shoelaces is untied and Josie stands on it as she takes a cautious step forward, causing her to stumble slightly.

“What are you doing here?” Hope asks, more bemused than anything. Emotional exhaustion is making her brain sluggish. Maybe Josie had come to tell her something about Landon’s death. “I don’t want to know anything.” She says hurriedly. 

Josie looks confused. 

“About him, or how he died, I just can’t–”

“Oh!” Josie’s face clears. “No don’t worry, I would never unless you asked.”

There’s an awkward pause. 

“Right, so…”

“I thought maybe you could use a friend.” Josie says shyly.

Pity. Hope loathes it. “A _friend_? You?”

Josie is looking increasingly uncertain. “Well, yeah–”

“No thanks.” Hope cuts out. “I’m fine on my own.” She walks pointedly over to her dresser and pulls out a t-shirt and pyjama bottoms. Then she glances over at Josie who still hasn’t moved.

“Are you going to watch me change?” She snaps. 

“Oh, sorry!” Josie spins around to stare at the door. 

Frowning, Hope strips down. There’s a slight tangy smell of sweat about her body but she hasn’t the will to shower. She pulls on the pyjamas and then approaches Josie.

“You can leave now.” Josie jumps, obviously not expecting Hope's voice so close to her ear.

“Can I turn around?”

“No, you can leave.”

Josie turns around. “Hope, I really don’t think you should be on your own–”  
  


“Josie.” Hope tries to keep the growl out of her voice. “Frankly, out of all the things I care about, what you _think_ isn’t really top of my list.”  
  


Josie’s mouth snaps shut. Hope knows she’s being mean, but this is the first flicker of _anything_ that isn’t all consuming pain that she’s felt since turning on that car radio. 

She expects Josie to leave now, but instead she walks further into the room. Hope stares at her, part of her shocked, and the darker, rotted part of her gleeful that Josie is feeding its fire.

“Am I not speaking English?”  
  


“I’m not going anywhere. You need someone. And aside from Raf, I’m the only other person who understands how you’re feeling. I want to be here for you, Hope. It’s what friends are for–”  
  


“We’re not friends, Josie!” Hope cuts her off viciously. “I dated your friend and you hung around me a bit, that doesn’t make us friends.”  
  


Josie recoils slightly at the words, blinking down at her feet. A tiny voice in Hope’s head screams _what are you doing? This girl actually seems to care about you_ , but it’s too faint.

Surely, she’ll leave now, Hope thinks. Surely. She’s pretty sure she hears the other girl sniff. 

But then Josie looks up and there’s something burning behind her eyes. 

“Fine. You don’t want me as a friend. But I made a promise, and tonight, I’m staying here. You don’t have to speak to me or even look at me. I can sleep on a blanket on the floor.” She’s babbling away and Hope is just looking at her incredulously. “But I’m here if you need me.”

And with that little speech, she sits firmly down on the carpet, legs crossed. 

“Isn’t your dad a cop? I’m pretty sure this is a form of harassment.”

Josie doesn’t respond other than to cross her arms. 

Hope wonders if this girl will ever _not_ unnerve her deeply. Sparing her another quick glance, she leaves the room to brush her teeth. When she gets back, Josie is in exactly the same place, although her eyes look a little droopy. 

“Go home, Josie.” Hope says, before switching off the light and climbing into bed. 

She lies there stiffly for five minutes, ears pricked. Josie doesn’t leave. 

She waits longer. Hope Mikaelson never breaks, it’s not in her nature. She especially doesn’t cave to chirpy, cutesy girls who probably think that a hug can cure anything. 

Josie yawns, and through the blotted darkness, Hope can make out the shape of her body unfurling onto the carpet. Oh for god’s sake.

“Get up here.”  
  


“Huh?”  
  


“Get into the bed before I change my mind.”  
  


Josie scrambles up, awkwardly kicking off her converse before crawling onto the bed. 

_Just this once,_ Hope placates. 

  
  



	3. Chapter 3

While previously she felt close to dropping off to sleep, now Josie is actually _in_ Hope’s bed, she’s wide awake.

It feels strange to be sleeping in her blouse and jeans, strange to tuck herself under Hope’s duvet and let her natural scent wash over her. Hope lies stiffly beside her, too unmoving to actually be sleeping, yet neither of them speak. 

Josie is afraid to reposition herself lest it irritate Hope. The last thing she wants is to get kicked out of bed. So, she keeps still and stares into the darkness, feeling like she’ll be able to relax once Hope falls asleep.

But Hope doesn’t sleep. If Josie squints, she can see that the other girl’s eyes are wide open.

Eventually, Josie whispers: “You okay?”

Hope’s eyes flick to look at her. “Yes.” Her voice is void of emotion.

Josie nods, deciding to keep her mouth shut from then forth.

Another ten minutes or so pass, she can’t be sure, and Josie starts to feel her eyes get heavy again. She welcomes sleep with shaky, grateful hands, wanting this day to be over.

“Did you see him?” Hope’s voice shatters the warm slumber that had gradually been overtaking her body. She hesitates.

Hope understands the confusion in her silence. “His body.” 

Images of Landon’s cold form spring unwanted into Josie’s head. “Yes.” 

She can hear Hope breathing. “And did he… did he look okay?”

_No._ Josie wants to scream. _Nothing about him was okay._ “He looked fine. Like Landon, just... quiet.”

“You think he died in pain?” Hope’s voice quivers.

Josie scrunches her eyes shut. Then she opens them, rolling over to face Hope. It jars her to find the other girl's expression is split wide open, vulnerable in every sense of the word. “No, babe. He fell into a sleep pretty quickly.” She reassures with as much conviction as she can manage. “Raf told me.” There’s a twitch to Hope’s face at the mention of Raf’s name. “What?”

“He should have called me.” Hope spits.

Josie is surprised by her anger. “I think it all happened very fast, he probably wasn’t thinking about–”  
  


“He should have called me.” Hope cuts her off. “As soon as it happened. He should have called.” Josie holds her tongue. “If it were Lizzie,” Hope continues, staring at her with focused eyes. “You would expect to be called.”

Josie hesitates, then nods. “Yes.” The whispered assent seems to calm something in Hope’s eyes, like a needed validation of her fury.

They’re lying closer now, turned on their sides. Something is playing on Josie’s mind, has been since she arrived at Hope’s house. 

“Do you resent me?”

Hope’s eyes narrow at her. “What?”

Josie avoids eye contact. “You spent his last day on Earth with me.”

“He’s still on Earth.” Hope snaps. Josie nods quickly. They lapse into silence and Josie waits with a clenched stomach and rapidly beating heart.

“ _I_ made the decision not to be with him today, it was nothing to do with you.” Josie stares up at the ceiling. “Blaming you would be stupid.”

Josie is quiet for a moment, thinking of her dad. “Well I know that grief doesn’t always allow for rational blame–”

“I _don’t_ , okay?” Hope’s voice is harsh. She takes a breath, and the next time she speaks is softer. “It never even crossed my mind to blame you.”

“Okay.” Josie whispers.

They lie there a little longer. Josie is getting really tired, and now that the waves of hostility are no longer coming off of Hope, she feels her body relaxing. Yet something holds her back from succumbing to sleep entirely. Maybe it’s because Hope’s eyes are still wide open and her firsts are clenched tight. 

“Do you believe in predestination?” 

It’s not the question Josie is expecting. 

“Uh, I’m not really religious. I mean, my dad is – well, he goes to a baptist church. But how religious his behaviour actually _is_...that’s debatable.”

She’s not sure Hope is really listening to her. “Sometimes I wonder…” She whispers. “It just feels like my life is stuck on this hellish path and I don’t know, maybe I did something awful in another life and God is punishing me.”  
  


“Are we talking about predestination or reincarnation?”

“I don’t know.” Hope mutters. “The belief that God has already decided the fate of your soul. He knows I’m going to hell and my life reflects that.”

Josie sighs. “To be honest, I’ve always thought the idea to be perverse. God creates a person knowing they will be damned? What would be the point?”

“Half of Christianity is scaring people shitless so they follow their rules. I guess some people have got to be made an example of.”

Concerned, Josie sits up in bed and looks at Hope. “I think you should get some sleep.”

Hope ignores her, staring up at the ceiling with vacant eyes. “I wonder if he hates me right now.”

“God?”

“Landon.”

“Why would he hate you?”

The sheer anguish and guilt in Hope’s eyes when she looks at her is unnerving. “Because, Josie, I wasn’t there for him when he needed me. Too busy protecting myself.”

“What exactly could you have done if you were there? Get shot too?” The thought of it hits Josie with a wave of immense misery and she pauses in surprise. Of course she would never have wanted Hope to die, but the visceral reaction in her body is a little worrying. Just how attached to Hope had she become?  
  


“Maybe neither of us would die. Maybe he wouldn’t have been standing by Raf and in the line of fire–” 

“ _Hope._ ” Josie scrambles for the right words, anything to dull the pain in her friend’s expression. “You can’t obsess over maybes, they do no one any good.”

“I just–” Hope takes an unsteady breath, her words breaking apart. “I can’t–” They seem to lodge in her throat as she cuts herself off. Despite the fact that the room is warm, Hope’s body gives a noticeable shiver.

  
“Hey,” Josie edges closer, hesitantly placing a hand on her shoulder. “You don’t need to explain how you’re feeling. You don’t have to say anything.”

“So what do I do?”

“You sleep.”

“I can’t.”

Hope hasn’t moved Josie’s hand so she takes that as a sign that she doesn’t mind. She needs a distraction from herself and Josie can only think of one thing.

“You know, I never had a mom.” 

Hope glances at her. “Yeah, Landon mentioned she died when you were young.”

“Young is an understatement. She died shortly after she gave birth to us.”

“That’s shit.”

“Yeah…” Josie chews her lip. “Our house was never gentle growing up. My mom, I think she was. Well, she was loud and dramatic and a little spoilt, I think. But she was kind and gentle, too. At least that’s what Elena and Bonnie have told me.”

“Who are they?”  
  


“My mom’s best friends from school. Neither of them live here anymore but sometimes they drop by and see us, tell Lizzie and I stories.”

“That’s nice, I guess.” 

“Yeah. It’s the only time we get to hear about her since my dad doesn’t like to talk about it. I think, when she died, it stripped all the gentleness out of him.” She bites down harder on her lip, feeling the skin break. “You ever seen someone without any gentleness? They’re hollow.”  
  


Hope stares at her and Josie looks away.

“My sister always says I’m too gentle for this world.” Josie continues quietly. “That I’m gonna get crushed.” She braves a look at Hope, whose blue, blue eyes slice through the darkness. “But I’ve already been crushed. God, there are some things that crush me everyday. If I just get angry and... cold, what good will that do?”  
  


Hope is expressionless. 

“Landon dying, it’s broken me apart more than anything else. I can feel it, like something’s dislodged inside me.” She prods at her chest. “But the pieces are there, Hope. We just have to take our time picking them up.”

Hope stares up at the ceiling for a long moment, her throat moving. Josie waits. Eventually, the other girl looks at her.

“Nice speech. You sure you’re not religious? I think that would go over well in a sermon.” Her tone is dry, unaffected. Josie’s stomach drops in disappointment. 

Hope rolls over and Josie takes it as a clear statement that their time of sharing is finished.

She sinks under the covers, trying to reclaim her previous sleepiness. But she can’t quite seem to stop the silent tears.

  
  


/ /

  
  


Josie's eyes feel swollen when she wakes up, her face pressed into the pillow. For a moment, she doesn’t know where she is: she can’t feel her soft blankets, and the bed is oddly hot, like there’s more body heat than usual. Josie is generally a cold-blooded person, and struggles particularly at night with keeping warm.

It’s only when she rolls over and knocks into Hope that she remembers. Yesterday’s events come rushing back to her and its like a blow to the stomach.

Hope groans, her brow furrowing as she blinks into consciousness. Their eyes meet – likely because Josie is staring at her – and neither of them do anything for a long second. Then Hope’s frown deepens. She turns away, sitting up and dangling her feet off the bed. Josie watches as her body tightens and releases in a stretch before she checks her phone.

“What time is it?” Josie’s voice is croaky.

“Quarter past ten.” 

Hope gets up and leaves the room without another word.

Josie sighs, leaning out of the bed to grab her phone from her purse. “Fuck.” It’s flat. She winces at the thought of how pissed and hurt her sister probably is right now. Flopping back onto the bed, she closes her eyes. 

A little while later Hope comes back into the room. Josie has half fallen asleep, but she hears the door open and shut. 

There’s a moment of quiet and then Josie is surprised by the touch of a finger to her cheek. Hope holds it there for a second, not stroking, just feeling. 

Josie opens her eyes when several drops of water fall upon her face. Hope pulls her finger away. She’s standing wrapped in a towel, her hair sodden.

“You should shower.” Is all she says, turning away. 

“Are you saying I stink?” Josie tries for a gentle joke.

Hope doesn’t smile, but her face is mild. “Probably. I left a clean towel for you in the bathroom. And there’s a spare toothbrush under the sink.”

“Oh, thanks.” Josie is touched by her thoughtfulness, and she does indeed feel disgusting. 

Stripping out of her crumpled blouse and jeans is a relief. The hot water is even better. She lathers her body in a rose scented body wash and her hair in a coconut shampoo. The bathroom has the kind of feminine touch to it that comes from having a house of only women: ceramic bathroom tiles with little fish on them; a wooden rack full of different oils; a fluffy bath mat that feels clean beneath her feet. 

Josie’s dad always forgets to buy toilet paper and complains if Lizzie and her have too many shampoos, or god forbid leave out a box of tampons. 

Working out the tangles in her hair is less enjoyable, and Josie stands there for a good ten or fifteen minutes doing it. When she finally heads back to Hope’s room, the other girl is no longer there. Josie assumes she’s gone downstairs for some breakfast.

Standing in her towel, Josie stares at the unappealing clothes in her hand. She _really_ doesn’t want to put the shirt back on, and especially not the underwear. The jeans she can make do with.

Glancing towards the door and praying Hope doesn’t suddenly appear, Josie sidles over to Hope’s dresser. She carefully edges open the top drawer, and just like she expected, it’s her underwear drawer. 

Josie snorts at the size of the bras. “Not likely.” She mutters. A simple, black pair of underwear catches her eye and she fishes it out quickly, slipping it on along with her own bra and jeans. If Lizzie could see her now, she would call her a creeper and Josie would deserve it.

Next, she needs a top, and she picks out a long sleeved striped one. It fits oddly: too short on her gangly arms and loose around her chest and stomach. But it’ll do. She knows she’s taking a risk that could really piss Hope off, but something about the thought of putting on yesterday’s clothes makes her feel ill – like wearing them would place her back in that hospital. Plus, she’s pretty sure her shirt had some of Hope’s vomit on it.

The smell of pancakes greets her nose when she approaches the kitchen. Hope is sat at the table, dressed in a thin grey sweater and prodding lifelessly at the pancake on her plate. She doesn’t seem to notice Josie come in. 

“Josie!” Freya greets her from the kitchen area. “Good morning.”

“Morning.” Josie smiles. Hope glances up when she hears them speak, her eyes locking onto Josie. 

Josie can tell the exact moment Hope registers the top she’s wearing. She looks away and then back, confusion flashing across her face. Josie keeps her own expression innocent and Hope’s eyes narrow, eyebrows drawing together. She says nothing.

“Josie, I don’t think you’ve met Keelin, my wife, yet, have you?” Freya’s voice draws her attention. A black woman with ringleted hair has just walked in.

“No, I haven’t. It’s nice to meet you.” Josie says earnestly.

“And you.” Keelin smiles. “Pancakes?”

“Just coffee for me would be great, thank you.”

Breakfast is a fairly quiet affair, with Keelin and Freya filling most of the silences with their own conversation. Hope stares into nothingness, her food going cold, and Josie feels a bit awkward being there in the first place. 

Since Hope is offering her no conversation, she admires the mug in her hand. It’s a gorgeous, dark red colour with autumnal leaves painted around the rim – uneven in places, but she likes that about it. 

“Appreciating my creation?” Josie hadn’t realised that Keelin was watching her examine the mug.

“Oh! You made this?” 

“I did, indeed. And Hope painted it.” She nods at her niece. “Pottery is a hobby of mine, when I get the chance to do it, that is.”

“Keelin is a psychiatric nurse at the local hospital. Tough hours.” Freya interjects, rubbing her wife’s arm.

“I bet. Definitely a worthy job, though.” Josie says, impressed. 

“I’m glad you think so.” Keelin smiles. Then she checks her watch. “Shit. Speaking of hours, I’ve got to go.” She stands up. “It was lovely to meet you, Josie.”

“You too.” Josie watches as Keelin pecks Freya on the lips, and then Hope on the forehead, mumbling something inaudible in her ear. Hope gives a slight nod. 

“So, Josie.” Freya starts once Keelin has left. “What are you up to today?” Her eyes flick to Hope.

“Oh, um. I’m going to drop back home and check on my sister. And then…” Josie hesitates, also looking at Hope. “I think I’ll head over to Landon’s house, see if Raf’s okay and probably offer a helping hand to his parents for anything they might need.” Hope stares hard at her plate.

Freya sits back, eyebrows raised. “That’s very thoughtful of you. But make sure that between all that checking up on people, you check up on yourself too.” 

Something warm curls in Josie’s chest. She’s not used to any sort of motherly concern. “Honestly, keeping busy and being helpful is the best thing for me right now.”  
  


Freya nods. “If you say so. Just don’t overwhelm yourself.” With one last glance at her niece, she stands up with her plate, reaching for Hope’s too. “You girls go. I’ll clear up.”

“Thanks for breakfast.” Josie smiles.

“You’re welcome – not that you ate much, ladies.” Freya gives the girls a stern face. “ _Both_ of you need to make sure you eat.” 

“Oh...I never really eat breakfast.” Josie says sheepishly. 

Freya just shakes her head in disapproval, heading towards the kitchen. “You two let me know if you need anything.”

“Will do.”

Josie turns to Hope who is already looking at her. “Your aunts are so nice.”

A small smile ghosts at Hope’s lips. “Yeah,” She breathes out. “They’re great.”

“Must be nice to be around two people so in love all the time.” Josie says wistfully.

“You barely met them, what do you know about how in love they are?”

Josie shrugs, fiddling with her fingers. “They way they touch each other.”

Hope gives her one of her impenetrable looks. Josie shifts awkwardly. “I betta go. Lizzie will be wondering what I’m doing.” She stands up, giving her mug one last fond glance, and is surprised when Hope follows suit. 

The other girl trails her up the stairs, watching vacantly as Josie collects up her dirty clothes and phone, shoving them unceremoniously into her handbag. 

“Well, uh, I can drop by maybe tomorrow…” Josie begins, unsure of herself.

Hope chews her lip, arms folded as she glances around the room, not meeting Josie’s eye. 

“O-kay.” Josie hoists her handbag onto her shoulder. “Bye then.” She walks towards the door, sighing internally. 

“Wait.” She turns to see Hope reach for her coat, giving the room a final look of what seems like trepidation. “I’m coming.”

Surprised, Josie just nods and lets her lead the way.

  
  



End file.
